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"O
you who believe! Have taqwaa of Allaah,
taqwaa that is His right, and do not die
except as Muslims."
(Soorat Aal 'Imraan
3:102)
"O
people! Have taqwaa of your Lord who created
you from one soul, and created from that
its mate, spreading from them many men
and women. And have taqwaa of Allaah, from
whom you seek your mutual rights and [revere]
the womb. Indeed Allaah is ever-watchful."
(Soorat an-Nisaa'
4:1)
"O
you who believe! Have taqwaa of Allaah
and speak the truth, He will make your
deeds righteous and forgive your sins.
And whoever obeys Allaah and His Messenger,
he has achieved the mighty victory."
(Soorat al-Ahzaab
33:70-71)
Indeed the best Speech is the Book of Allaah,
and the best guidance is the guidance of
Muhammad (S) who said:
All of you are entrusted and all of
you are entrusted with your people... (Al-Bukhaaree)
Advice
to Men
The
Prophet (S) said:
The best of you are those of best conduct.
(Al-Bukhaaree, Muslim and others.)
And he (S) described some of the attributes
of that good conduct:
The best of you are those who are best
to their women. (Ibn Maajah; authentic)
And:
The best of you are those who are best
to his family. (At-Tabaraanee; authentic)
And he (S) gave a clear example of a person
who has good conduct:
The best of you are those who are best
to his family, and I am the best of you
toward my family. (At-Tahaawee, at-Tirmithee
and others; authentic. See al-Albaanee's
Aadaab az-Zafaaf)
Anas (R) narrated that he (S) told the
camel driver who pushed the camels carrying
his wives: Drive slowly for you are driving
mounts which carry vessels of glass. Abu
Qibaalah [who narrated this from Anas]
said: "Allaah's Messenger (S) uttered
words that if someone among you had uttered
them, you would have found fault with him."
(Muslim)
Allaah
reminds us:
"And
live with them honorably... "
(Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:19)
The
Prophet (S) was a man who,
"Used
to work for his family and when he heard
the adhaan he would go out." (Al-Bukhaaree
from 'Aa'ishah)
Allaah
(T) praised his (S) character:
"Surely
yours is the highest standard of character."
(Soorat al-Qalam 68:4)
'Aa'ishah
(R) said that;
"He
would mend his clothes, milk his sheep,
and do what a man does in his home."
(Ahmad and others, authentic. See Saheeh
ul-Jaami' no. #4812)
Jaabir
(R) said:
"It
never happened that Allaah's Messenger
(S) was asked for anything and he said,
'No'." (Muslim)
Anas
(R) said:
"I
have never seen anyone more kind to his
family than Allaah's Messenger..."
(Muslim)
The
Messenger (S) said:
He who does not show mercy, no mercy
will be shown to him. (Muslim)
And
He (S) was a man who -
"...never
hit anyone with his hand, not a women,
nor a servant, except during jihaad in
Allaah's cause..." (Muslim from
'Aa'ishah [R])
Allaah
(T) said (what means):
"Indeed
in Allaah's Messenger there is a good example
for he who has hope in Allaah and the Last
Day and remembers Allaah much."
(Soorat al-Ahzaab 33:21)
The
Prophet (S) clearly admonished men:
...And have taqwaa of Allaah with regard
to your treatment of women. Indeed you
have acquired them through a trust with
Allaah, and intercourse has been made lawful
to you by Allaah's Word...You are responsible
for providing them with food and clothing
in a fitting manner... (Muslim)
He (S) clarified this point for those whom
it may not be clear, when he was asked:
"O
Allaah's Messenger! what is the right of
ones' wife upon him?" That
you feed her when you feed yourself; that
you clothe her when you clothe yourself;
that you should not strike her in her face;
and never invoke ugliness upon her ; and
not separate from them except in their
homes.
(Al-Bukhaaree and others)
The Prophet (S) warned of a women's right
being infringed upon due to excess in religious
devotion:
Observe
fast sometimes, and leave them at others;
stand for the night prayer, and also sleep
at night. Your body has a right over you,
your eyes have a right over you, and your
wife has a right over you. (Al-Bukhaaree)
And
the Prophet (S);
"Forbade
that a man should come (unexpectedly) to
his wife like a night visitor doubting
her fidelity and spying into her lapses."
(Muslim)
And he (S) clarified the sanctity of the
marriage:
The condition most deserving to be fulfilled
is that by which the private parts became
lawful to you. (Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim)
Remember
the command of Allaah (T):
"And
have taqwaa of Allaah, from whom you seek
your mutual rights." (Soorat an-Nisaa'
4:1)
The
Prophet (S) also commanded:
I command you to take care of the women
in a good manner for they are created from
a rib and the most crooked portion of the
rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten
it, it will break, and if you leave it,
it will remain crooked. So I command you
to take care of women in the best manner.
(Al-Bukhaaree)
Allaah
(T) said (what means):
"And
do not forget graciousness between yourselves."
(Soorat al-Baqarah 2:237)
The
Prophet (S) advised men:
A woman is married for four things;
Her
wealth;
her family status;
her beauty;
and her religion.
So
marry the religious woman, or you will
lose. (Al-Bukhaaree)
He (S) clarified that this kind of woman
is among the best wealth that a man could
find. When he (S) was asked; "What
kind of wealth should one seek?" He
(S) replied: Let
one of you seek a thankful heart, a mindful
tongue and a believing wife who can help
him in the matter of the Hereafter. "
(Ibn
Maajah; authentic and similar with at-Tirmithee)
And
Allaah (T) said (what means): "...And
be patient with them..."
(Soorat Taha 20:125)
And the Prophet (S) clearly warned these
men:
I have not left, after me, any affliction
more harmful to men than women. (Al-Bukhaaree)
Allaah
(T) warns:
"Truly
among your wives and your children there
are enemies for you." (Soorat
at-Taghaabun 64:14)
And Allaah (T) decided that:
"Men
are maintainers of women. " (Soorat
an-Nisaa' 4:34)
And the Prophet (S) warned a person who
had a position over others;
Beware of the curse of the oppressed,
for there is no screen between his supplication
and Allaah.
(Al-Bukhaaree)
And:
The oppressed ones' supplication is
answered even if he is a sinner; for he
is himself responsible for his sins. (At-Tayaalisee.
Authentic, see Saheeh ul-Jaami' no. 3377)
And:
Three supplications are answered, there
is no doubt in it:...and the supplication
of the wronged person. (Ahmad, al-Bukhaaree
in al-Aadaab, at-Tirmithee, and Abu Daawood,
authentic. See Saheeh ul-Jaami' no. 3028)
And the Prophet (S) commanded the Muslims
to:
Help your brother whether he is an oppressor
or he is oppressed. Some
People asked; "O Allaah's Messenger!
It is alright to help him if he is oppressed,
but how should we help him if he is an
oppressor?" The
Prophet (S) said, By preventing him from
oppressing others. (Al-Bukhaaree)
And he (S) listed to help the oppressed
as one of the rights a Muslim has upon
every other Muslim.
(Al-Bukhaaree)
And Ibn `Umar (R) narrated that he (S)
said:
Oppression will be a darkness on the
Day of Resurrection. (Al-Bukhaaree)
He (S) let an abusive person know that
he may carry the sins of his victim of
the Day of Resurrection:
Whoever has oppressed another person
concerning his reputation, or anything
else, he should beg for his forgiveness
before the Day of Resurrection when there
will be no wealth. But if he has good deeds
those good deeds will be taken from him
according to the oppression which he has
done, and if he has no good deeds, the
sins of the oppressed person will be loaded
upon him. (Al-Bukhaaree)
And
Allaah (T) said (what means):
"And
have taqwaa of Allaah, from whom you seek
your mutual rights." (Soorat an-Nisaa'
4:1)
Advice
to Women
Allaah (T) clarified the characteristics
of a good woman:
"...So
good women are the obedient, guarding in
secret that which Allaah has guarded..."
(Soorat
an-Nisaa' 4:34)
When a woman came to consult the Messenger
of Allaah (S) he said to her:
You there, are you married? She
said "Yes" He said, How are you
toward your husband? She said, "I
do not fall short in anything except that
which I am unable to do." The
Prophet (S) said, Well, look after your
position in relation to him, for it is
the key to Paradise and Hell.
(At-Tabaraanee, Ibn Maajah, authentic.
See al-Albaanee's Aadaab az-Zafaaf)
And
he (S) said:
By the One in whose Hand is the soul
of Muhammad, no woman has fulfilled her
obligations to her Lord until she has fulfilled
her obligations to her husband - even if
he were to ask her for herself when she
is mounted in the saddle, she would not
refuse his request. (Ibn Maajah, Ahmad
and others, authentic. See al-Albaanee's
Aadaab az-Zafaaf)
And
he (S) said:
When a man calls his wife to satisfy
his desire, she must go to him even if
she is occupied at the oven. (at-Tirmithee;
authentic.)
And
he (S) said,
The condition most deserving to be fulfilled
is that by which the private parts became
lawful to you.
(Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim)
And
he (S) said:
It is not allowed for a woman to fast
while her husband is present except by
his permission and to permit anyone to
enter his house except by his permission.
(Al-Bukhaaree, Muslim, Abu Daawood, and
at-Tirmithee)
And:
If a man invited his wife to bed and
she refused to come and he slept while
angry, the angels curse her until morning
comes. (Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim)
And:
If any woman asks her husband to divorce
her without a reason, Allaah will prohibit
her the smell of Paradise. (Ahmad,
Abu Daawood and others, authentic.)
And:
If the woman prayed her five (prayers),
fasted her month (Ramadhaan), protected
her private areas, and obeyed her husband,
she will enterParadise. (Ahmad and
others; authentic see as-Saheehah no. 674)
He
(S) said:
...And the wife is entrusted, and she
is entrusted with her house.... (Al-Bukhaaree
and Muslim)
Ali
(R) said:
"Fatimah
went to the Prophet complaining about the
bad effect of the stone hand-mill on her
hand. She had heard that the Prophet (S)
had received a few servant girls. But she
could not find him. So she mentioned her
problem to 'Aa'ishah..."
Later the Prophet (S) answered Fatimah
(R);
Shall I direct you to something better
than what you have requested? When you
go to bed say, SubhannAllaah thirty-three
times, al-hamdu li 'Llaah thirty-three
times, and Allaahu Akbar thirty four times.
That is better for you than a servant.
(Al-Bukhaaree [See the M. Khan English
translation, #274 V.7])
And if the husband fears a rebellious attitude
on the part of his wife, than His Lord
has told him to:
"...Admonish
them.."
(Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:34)
And beware of arguing with the husband
because the Prophet (S) said:
The most hated person according to Allaah
is the most quarrelsome person. (Al-Bukhaaree)
When the Prophet (S) was asked who the
best kind of woman was he answered:
She is the one who pleases him if he
looks at her, obeys him when he commands
her, and does not differ with him in what
he hates, either regarding himself or his
wealth.
(An-Nasaa'ee and al-Bayhaqee. Hasan;
see Mishkaat)
If the husband still fears rebelliousness
on the part of his wife, then our Lord
has told him to:
"...Separate
from their beds..." (Soorat an-Nisaa'
4:34)
So the Prophet (S) separated himself from
his wives for twenty-nine days. (Al-Bukhaaree)
Allaah
(T) reminds us:
"Indeed
in Allaah's Messenger there is a good example
for he who has hope in Allaah and the Last
Day and remembers Allaah much." (Soorat
al-Ahzaab 33:21)
If the husband still fears rebelliousness
on the part of his wife, then Allaah the
Truthful has told him to:
"...Beat
them..." (Soorat
an-Nisaa' 4:34)
But the Prophet (S) has warned him,
None of you should beat his wife as
he beats his slave and then have sexual
intercourse with her in the later part
of the day. (Al-Bukhaaree)
And
he (S):
"...never
hit anyone with his hand, not a women,
nor a servant, except during jihaad in
Allaah's cause..." (Muslim from
'Aa'ishah [R])
So
be mindful of Allaah's saying:
"And
do not forget graciousness between yourselves."
(Soorat al-Baqarah 2:237)
On the occasion in which the Prophet (S)
stayed away from his wives for twenty-nine
days, after admonishing them, Allaah revealed
the following aayaah:
"O
Prophet! Say to your wives; If you desire
the life of this world and its glitter
-then come! I will make a provision for
you and set you free in a handsome manner."
(Soorat al-Ahzaab 33:28)
They desired to remain married to him,
may Allaah be pleased with them.
Advice
for Living Together with Graciousness
Do
not forget Allaah's warning:
"And
have taqwaa of Allaah, from whom you seek
your mutual rights." (Soorat
an-Nisaa' 4:1)
And
his (T) reminder:
"And
do not forget graciousness between yourselves."
(Soorat al-Baqarah 2:237)
Living with each other honorably and with
graciousness also means that neither the
husband or wife should take unfair advantage
of their rights, and that they should not
abuse each other through their distinctive
qualities.
Men are stronger than women, and a man
can easily oppress his wife if he is a
person of poor character. Women are jealous
and may be ungrateful as the Prophet (S)
said:
Then I saw the Fire, and I have never
before seen such a horrible sight as that,
and I saw that the majority of its dwellers
were women.
Some
People asked, "O Messenger of Allaah!
What is the reason for that?"
He
replied, "Because of their ungratefulness
(kufr). "
They
asked: "Because they disbelieve in
Allaah?"
He
(S) replied: "They are ungrateful
to their husbands and ungrateful for the
favors done to them. Even if you do good
to one of them all of your life, when she
sees some harshness from you, she will
say, 'I have never seen any good from you'."
(Al-Bukhaaree)
A woman may easily say what he (S) has
quoted them saying. So if a man is disobeyed
by his wife, then he should admonish her
as Allaah (T) prescribed, and the Prophet
(S) demonstrated. Should she say after
seeing that harshness from him, "I
have never seen any good from you",
as above, she has fallen into the category
of women described in last hadeeth.
If a husband is abusive of his wife, and
he seeks refuge in the hadeeths which demand
her obedience, or the texts that allow
him to discipline her, but his treatment
of her is not discipline, rather abuse,
then he is indeed an oppressor and what
we have mentioned regarding oppressors
applies to him.
The marriage partners must also realize,
that living toward mutual goodness means
that they do not initiate evil between
each other. Often people will do a thing
that they know to be permissible, but that
act causes their partner to do something
forbidden because of the qualities that
we mentioned above. This is similar to
saying - If I hit you, I should expect
you to hit me back - even if my hitting
you in this case is lawful! But clearer
texts follow; the Prophet (S) said:
It is one of the greatest sins that
a man should curse his parents. It
was asked, "How does a man curse his
parents?"
The
Prophet (S) said, The man abuses the father
of another man and the latter abuses the
father of the former and his mother. (Al-Bukhaaree)
He (S) did not say, "It is one
of the greatest sins that a man should
curse another mans' parents." Because
that is general. Allaah curses the disbelievers,
and the Prophet (S) has allowed the poets
to make fun of the ancestors of the pagans
provided that they avoid making fun of
the ancestors of righteous people. But
in the above hadeeth, he (S) condemned
a permissible act which leads to a forbidden
one, and it is forbidden because it is
one of the majors sins as he (S) stated.
Allaah (T) said (what means):
"And
do not insult those whom they call upon
besides Allaah, for they may insult Allaah
wrongfully without knowledge. Thus We have
made fair-seeming to each people its own
doings; then to their Lord is their return
and He shall inform them of all that they
used to do." (Soorat al-An'aam
6:108)
But surely Allaah (T) and His Messenger
(S) curse Shaytaan and his allies! Though
Allaah makes it clear in the aayaah above:
Since they may insult Allaah as a result,
then do not...
When the Prophet (S) intended to rebuild
the Ka'ba upon its original foundation,
he did not do so because of his fear of
retaliation from the Quraysh on that matter,
he (S) said:
"O 'Aa'ishah! If it were not that
your people were close to their era, [Ibn
az-Zubayr said: of disbelief] I would have
dismantled the Ka'ba and made two doors
in it; one for an entrance and the other
for an exit." (Al-Bukhaaree, Muslim
and others.)
Similarly, whether it is a statement, or
an action, even though it is permissible
in itself, if it may lead to an evil being
committed by another person, then the initiator
of the original act may suffer some of
the consequences, either in this life or
the Hereafter. In such a case what is the
benefit of the deed?
This shows how selfish some people may
be. They actually believe that if they
do a "permissible" deed - while
they know that it will cause others to
do evil - that they are not the initiators
of that evil after it has occurred! One
says, "I have no control over them,
they are obliged to not do evil!".
But he has forgotten that he is obliged
to enjoin good! Through this method of
spiteful self righteousness he has caused
an evil to occur.
We
must remember that Allaah (T) commanded
us:
"And
live with them honorably..."
(Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:19)
So it is imperative that people do not
always exact their due from each other,
especially when doing so may lead to more
trouble than the benefit gained.
Indeed
Allaah (T) said (what means):
"And
if a woman fears cruelty or desertion on
her husband's part, there is no blame if
they arrange an amicable settlement between
them both; and settlement is better..."
(Soorat an-Nisaa' 4:128)
And
the Prophet (S):
People are different grades just as
silver and gold are. The best of them in
jahiliyah are the best of them in Islam
- provided that they gain understanding
[of the religion]. Souls are enlisted for
their mission. Those of them which recognize
each other will be in harmony, and those
which disapprove of each other will be
in conflict. (Muslim)
If the marriage contains one or two of
the lesser qualities of people, and injustice,
disobedience and oppression remain, then
divorce is an avenue to restore justice
in Islam.
For not every man is abusive, and not every
woman is disobedient!
With this understanding, then both a man
and a woman can take what Allaah (T) has
given by the tongue and example of His
Messenger (S) and justice will reside among
them.
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